I love connecting with other local businesses in and around Eastbourne, East Sussex, and showcasing their amazing talents, products and services! I am delighted to share this interview with Jo Gray, BABCP Accredited CBT Psychotherapist at Making Your Way.
Firstly, tell us about your business and where we can find you...
I’m a Cognitive Behavioural Psychotherapist specialising in midlife and peri/menopause support. I help clients reconnect with their minds and bodies, let go of outdated beliefs, and navigate life’s changes with evidence-based therapy that’s delivered with heart. Sessions are online, making therapy accessible and flexible for busy midlifers.
I currently offer a 1:1 menopause therapy programme and will soon launch a Life Reset Programme. I also host in-person group events around Hastings and Bexhill: The Goodness Collective (fortnightly well-being meetups) and The Midlife Collective (monthly midlife-focused gatherings with expert co-hosts). Midlife is a transformational time, and I’m here to help you embrace it!
Website: makingyourway.co.uk
Instagram: @menopausepsychotherapist
Facebook: JoGrayCBT
Youtube: Menopause Psychotherapist
1. How does menopause impact a woman's mental and emotional wellbeing, and what are some common challenges you see in your work?
This is a really interesting question and I want to caveat my answer with the fact that I guess I’m slightly biased. In my work I tend to see clients who are struggling with cognitive mental and emotional difficulties- I will share some common examples in a moment. I do want to highlight though that many women move through into menopause without experiencing significant psychological symptoms.
I tend to think of menopause as a time of change – and with change comes uncertainty! Often by the time we reach perimenopause we have developed a set of coping mechanisms that work and we are familiar with our own cycles and patterns. When perimenopause hits, things can become a lot more unpredictable and that can lead to feelings of anxiety, confusion, a lack in self confidence and low mood. Suddenly things that used to help don’t. Our moods can become unpredictable and harder to pin down to cycle.
In my client and group work some of the most common struggles tend to be:
Feeling overwhelmed by things that used to be second nature
Brain fog, difficulties concentrating or making decisions, problems remembering things – any or all of which can greatly undermine confidence as well as being scary.
A loss of sense of self – periods of change can often trigger questions and doubts about who we are and where we are headed. In some ways this makes it the ideal time to engage in some self-discovery, getting to know yourself again/this version, and checking in with yourself around whether you’re headed in the right direction
Guilt seems to show up a lot too and I think that’s often linked to needing to make adjustments, managing our own and others expectations around what’s realistic for us right now.
And anger – sometimes part of mood swings, sometimes fear based and sometimes simply years of pent up frustration breaking free. One of my most important jobs is to help women to feel their emotions, to lean in and learn from them, then to respond in a helpful, healthy way
2. Many women experience changes in their appearance during mid-life, such as hair thinning or changes in skin. How can women maintain a positive body image during this time?
Hmmmm being positive is a tricky one I think. It’s hard to buy into positive thoughts if your heart doesn’t feel it. If you’ve ever discounted or laughed off a compliment you’ll know what I’m getting at!
As an ACT therapist I try and promote self compassion and acceptance over being positive. A key part of this is about noticing that inner critic or judge when they show up and start giving you a running commentary on how old/ugly you are, about how you’ve put on weight, about how your body has changed, about the look of your hair and skin.Â
Noticing and naming those thoughts and judgements gives us an opportunity to decide whether we want to immerse ourselves in them, or whether actually it would serve us better if we were able to take a step back from them and respond from a place of kindness and compassion/understanding. Sometimes simply asking the question ‘would I say this to someone I care about’ is enough to jolt us out of a self critical spiral.Â
I always invite clients to recognise the emotions that show up with those thoughts too. In sessions we learn from those painful emotions- what they tell us about what matters. I think that often it’s important to recognise that these changes can trigger feelings of loss and sadness. Sometimes we need to allow ourselves to grieve a past version of ourselves before we can whole heartedly move into the next.Â
3. What role does self-care play in managing the mental and emotional challenges of menopause, and how can it improve overall wellbeing?
For me, self care and self knowledge go hand in hand. We can’t know how to look after ourselves if we don’t know what we need or want.
Self care has connotations of bubble baths and spa days, treats and luxuries- and I find people can be resistant to the concept.
For me self care is about little things like taking a 5 minute break from work, or enjoying watching a film or favourite show, getting outdoors, moving your body. Self care looks different to everyone (and changes over time) so tuning into this version of you and learning what she needs is key.
And then there’s deep self care – setting and holding boundaries, saying no, prioritising your needs over others sometimes, asking for / accepting help, having difficult conversations, getting out of your comfort zone. All of those things are self care to me.
I see one of my main roles as being helping clients to work out their own self care recipe.
A quote I try and hold in mind whenever I am working on self-care with clients, and in my own life, is: True self care is creating a life that you have no desire to escape from.
4. For women experiencing hair thinning/loss during menopause, how can they address the emotional distress that comes with it?
This is a really tender question and I think can relate to a lot of those unwanted physical changes that we are faced with as we age. I have a kind of formula that I draw on when I’m working with clients around navigating unwanted changes and it goes a little something like this:
Notice the emotions that the hair loss/thinning is bringing up for you. Is it sadness, embarrassment, or anxiety for example
Notice what your mind is saying about it. What kind of judgements and narratives are showing up? Where do these come from – e.g. society, culture, upbringing, people we are/have been close to etc.
Treat yourself with kindness
Use your personal values as a guide
You’ll see that both no. 1 and no. 2 are about noticing, acknowledging and recognising the thoughts and feelings that are coming up in response to this change. On the surface, the simple act of noticing might not seem that important. BUT when we recognise and acknowledge the impact of these changes, we are much better-able to look after ourselves in the face of them.
No. 3 can be so difficult for us. Often we are really used to supporting our loved ones when they are feeling down when it’s ourselves, we can easily slip into judgements, self-criticism and (of course) the comparison trap. One really great way to break that pattern is to use the ‘best friend technique’. Ask yourself, what would I say or do for someone I loved if they were experiencing what I’m experiencing and feeling the way I’m feeling?’. For example, would I tell someone I love that they just need to suck it up, or that they are ugly, or that they are vain for caring? If you wouldn’t say it to a friend then don’t say it to you.
Values are a powerful tool for navigating the bad times and the good. There are lots of ways to work out what your personal values are – a favourite of mine is this free online card-sort activity.
Once you’re clearer about who and how you want to be as a person, you’re more able to align your words and actions with those values and qualities.
5. How important is it for women in midlife to embrace a positive mindset when facing changes in their bodies?
You can probably guess what I’m going to say – for me it’s not about being positive, it’s about learning to accept the things that we can’t change, and focusing on the things that are within our control – i.e. what we say and do, the way that we treat ourselves and others.
6. What are some common misconceptions about menopause that you’d like to address, especially when it comes to emotional health and coping strategies?
Although menopause has been in the public eye a lot more over the past couple of years, in part thanks to celebrities bringing the topic to our screens, there are still some common misconceptions.
The first misconception that springs to mind is that it’s all about hot flushes/night sweats, and physical symptoms. Definitely a lot more to it than that!
Click here to access a really helpful checklist if you’re curious about physical and emotional symptoms of menopause. The impact of emotional and psychological symptoms such as depression, anxiety or loss of self-confidence for example can be profound.
Then there’s the misconception that menopause only happens later in life – actually the average age for menopause in the UK is 51-52 years old and we can spend up to 10 years of our lives in perimenopause, typically between 4-8 years. So it’s really common for symptoms of perimenopause to develop from the age of 40. It’s also important to note that 1/100 women will experience menopause under the age of 40, and 1/1000 under the age of 30.
Let’s not forget the misconception that ‘it’s a natural process so you shouldn’t need any support, you should just get on with it’. There are loads of things that we can do to take care of ourselves during this stage of life and I do believe that knowledge is power. Finding out about different kinds of support and taking some time to think about what might work best for you is really key in my opinion.
In terms of therapy support, as a NICE Guidance recommended treatment for menopause symptoms (including hot flushes) cognitive behavioural therapy can be a great alternative to HRT, and can also work really well alongside HRT.
Therapy an also enable us to identify coping strategies that are no longer serving us, let go of outdated and unhelpful beliefs and assumptions, recognise what’s within our control to change and empower us to take action.
7. In your experience, how can women support each other during the menopause journey and why is community and connection so important at this stage in life?
I think this might be my favourite question! Through hosting the Goodness Collective, Midlife Collective and Mid-life Retreats I’ve witnessed first-hand just how powerful it is to be able to share, listen, validate, support, and even laugh together.
The relief in the room when something resonates is almost palpable. The realisation that you’re not alone in this – that there are people who have felt, or are feeling, what you’re feeling is a tremendous comfort.
Talking about menopause raises awareness, informs, and educates, and that in turn can empower us to make better choices for ourselves. Knowledge is power – and when you bring together a group of women who are willing to share generously and listen intently, I believe that becomes a kind of super-power.